Have you ever felt like you were drowning?

Just Between Us,

What does drowning feel like? Swimming as hard as you can to try and keep your head above water only for it be shoved back down by wave after wave. Trying to suck in a breath and having more water shoved down your throat. Fighting until your body is so tired it gives up on itself. Knowing you are losing a battle and you can’t do anything to change the tide. Accepting that the water has successfully swallowed you up. Helpless, cold, numb, unable to breathe, at the complete mercy of something far stronger than you.

I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I can’t breathe, I feel like my head is being pushed under, I feel hopeless, overwhelmed, and helpless. 

Depression is all consuming. Suffocating. Unfaceable. Unstoppable. It takes over your mind until your thoughts aren’t yours anymore. It takes over until you aren’t someone you know anymore. Until you can’t go to work. Until you can’t get out of bed. Until you can’t brush your teeth. Until you can’t even take a cup to the sink from your bedroom. Until you are so beaten down that you can’t do anything but lay there. 

Today I don’t have any hopeful advice or wishful thinking. Today I’m just trying to survive the day. Today I am counting down the hours, the minutes, the seconds until I can go home and just lay down. Today I’m just here. I don’t write today because I’m feeling inspired or have something that I want to share or tell you a lesson I’ve already learned so that hopefully you don’t have to learn it the hard way. Today I write because I want you to know that you aren’t alone. Today I write so that you know that struggling is normal even when it’s hard to breathe and all you want to do is lay down. 

Thank you for listening and for reminding me that I’m not alone. Thank you for forcing me to remember something that brings me happiness and joy even when I feel like this. Thank you for being here. 

-M